I am not happy

I am not happy.

I wish I could say "just kidding" after I said I am not happy. But it's true I am not happy. Not all the time at least. I am happy when my son, Raven, is being sweet and showing off his good sides. But when he is being a threenager, I get upset and not happy. I am happy when my husband is all nice and loving, but when he snaps at me just a little bit, I feel unloved and not happy. I am happy when things go my way, but when challenges and troubles come, I panic and become not happy.

Sometimes I even turn unhappy when I see other people's social media feed. Why do they look so happy? Why is it not me? Even though I know the fact that social media feed is carefully selected by their owners to show what they want to the world to see, I still fall into the trap. *sigh*

So, this Good Friday morning, I remember the word joy and look up real quick in the google: happiness versus joy.

I do not immediately believe what that website says (because it says psychologies, and because I'm generally skeptical), and because The Bible does not differentiate joy and happiness.

But it opens my eyes to some extent. The thing is, I realize that my happiness depends on what happens outside of me. Because I cannot control what happens outside of me, my happiness comes and goes. And being happy and unhappy at the speed of a roller coaster makes me even unhappy. The happiness feels fake because I know that it won't last. Even when things around me makes me happy, I am skeptical toward my own happiness. I know that in a matter of hours, something will go wrong and I'll become unhappy again.

Unhappiness is bitter. And it sure makes me a bitter person. I started to blame others for my unhappiness. And I started to ask and beg my loved ones to love me more, so I can be happy. It does not work. It feels like they do not care if I am happy or not. It feels like they do not even try.

So I have to be happy myself, without anyone's help. After all, they say that true happiness comes from within (but this is so "new age", and I know that it is somehow wrong). So I started to do the things I love, to love and pamper myself more. It's the same. It creates happiness, for a while. And then other things make me unhappy, again. It does not work.

So, what to do?

I've known this all along, actually. True happiness and joy comes only from God, because
the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. (Romans 15:13, NIV)
And there are so many more verses that talk about joy and happiness in the Lord.

So actually I am such a fool to run around searching for happiness when joy and happiness are already given to me, by His work of salvation. I just need to look inside and rebuild the neglected relationship with my Lord.

Have a blessed Good Friday.


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