Today the universe conspires to teach me how to forgive
Just kidding. I'm not converting to cosmic humanism.
It is just God who conspires to make all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
Yesterday evening I discussed about forgiveness with my husband. Forgiveness is not easy, everyone who holds a grudge against someone knows this. But I find it particularly hard because I do not know how to do it.
I mean, I've read and heard the theories of forgiveness. I know that if you do not want to forgive, you actually make yourself bitter. I like this one forgiveness quote in particular, "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." Powerful, right?
Today Facebook (and Ega) even reminded me about forgiveness, from 10 years ago.
Okay, I know why forgiving someone is important, along with all the benefits. But the problem is, why don't they tell you HOW TO DO IT?
I simply do not know how to forgive. Saying, "I forgive you" was easy. But then sometimes, with no warning, comes flashing the past scenes of that person's wrongdoing, and I become sad and angry and I just cannot accept it. So, how do you actually forgive? What actually should I do or think or feel to forgive someone? Can someone give me the steps?
My husband did not know the answer. Yesterday he just said, "Pray."
I got even more frustrated. But I did pray.
And this morning at my work place's morning devotion, guess what the topic was? Forgiveness. So I listened closely, hoping to find the how-to of forgiveness. Perhaps I've found it.
Instead of focusing on what the person has done, forgiveness is focusing on my own attitude. Forgiving means releasing the chains of judgment. Let it go. Judgment belongs to God.
Instead of merely saying, "I forgive you," I should say, "God, I want to forgive. Holy Spirit, I want to forgive." Forgiveness doesn't happen automatically nor instantly. It is a process. And saying to God that we want to forgive is the first step. God will help heal us.
John 10:10 (NIV) said "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." The CEV used the term "have it in its fullest." The Indonesian version said "hidup yang berkelimpahan," but I find the term fullest/to the full very powerful. Who wouldn't like to live a life in its maximum capacity? I know I do.
I. Am. So. Relieved. I believe there is a hope that I will not hold this grudge for the rest of my life. I will be able to let go.
***
And for those of you who are like me, struggling to forgive, Focus on the Family said the first step to understanding forgiveness is learning what it is and isn't. I find this list very helpful to keep our forgiveness healthy. Sometimes we just focus on forgiving and let ourselves become doormat for other people to continue abusing us. So, here you go.
1. Forgiveness is not letting the offender off the hook. We can and should still hold others accountable for their actions or lack of actions.
2. Forgiveness is returning to God the right to take care of justice. By refusing to transfer the right to exact punishment or revenge, we are telling God we don't trust him to take care of matters.
3. Forgiveness is not letting the offense recur again and again. We don't have to tolerate, nor should we keep ourselves open to, lack of respect or any form of abuse.
4. Forgiveness does not mean we have to revert to being the victim. Forgiving is not saying, "What you did was okay, so go ahead and walk all over me." Nor is it playing the martyr, enjoying the performance of forgiving people because it perpetuates our victim role.
5. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciling. We can forgive someone even if we never can get along with him again.
6. Forgiveness is a process, not an event. It might take some time to work through our emotional problems before we can truly forgive. As soon as we can, we should decide to forgive, but it probably is not going to happen right after a tragic divorce. That's okay.
7. We have to forgive every time. If we find ourselves constantly forgiving, though, we might need to take a look at the dance we are doing with the other person that sets us up to be continually hurt, attacked, or abused.
8. Forgetting does not mean denying reality or ignoring repeated offenses. Some people are obnoxious, mean-spirited, apathetic, or unreliable. They never will change. We need to change the way we respond to them and quit expecting them to be different.
9. Forgiveness is not based on others' actions but on our attitude. People will continue to hurt us through life. We either can look outward at them or stay stuck and angry, or we can begin to keep our minds on our loving relationship with God, knowing and trusting in what is good.
10. If they don't repent, we still have to forgive. Even if they never ask, we need to forgive. We should memorize and repeat over and over: Forgiveness is about our attitude, not their action.
11. We don't always have to tell them we have forgiven them. Self-righteously announcing our gracious forgiveness to someone who has not asked to be forgiven may be a manipulation to make them feel guilty. It also is a form of pride.
12. Withholding forgiveness is a refusal to let go of perceived power. We can feel powerful when the offender is in need of forgiveness and only we can give it. We may fear going back to being powerless if we forgive.
13. We might be pressured into false forgiveness before we are ready. When we feel obligated or we forgive just so others will still like us, accept us, or not think badly of us, it's not true forgiveness — it's a performance to avoid rejection. Give yourself permission to do it right. Maybe all you can offer today is, "I want to forgive you, but right now I'm struggling emotionally. I promise I will work on it."
14. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It's normal for memories to be triggered in the future. When thoughts of past hurts occur, it's what we do with them that counts. When we find ourselves focusing on a past offense, we can learn to say, "Thank you, God, for this reminder of how important forgiveness is."
It is just God who conspires to make all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.
Yesterday evening I discussed about forgiveness with my husband. Forgiveness is not easy, everyone who holds a grudge against someone knows this. But I find it particularly hard because I do not know how to do it.
I mean, I've read and heard the theories of forgiveness. I know that if you do not want to forgive, you actually make yourself bitter. I like this one forgiveness quote in particular, "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." Powerful, right?
Today Facebook (and Ega) even reminded me about forgiveness, from 10 years ago.
 |
| This is starting to be freakish. Yesterday I contemplated about forgiveness, and now today this. |
Okay, I know why forgiving someone is important, along with all the benefits. But the problem is, why don't they tell you HOW TO DO IT?
I simply do not know how to forgive. Saying, "I forgive you" was easy. But then sometimes, with no warning, comes flashing the past scenes of that person's wrongdoing, and I become sad and angry and I just cannot accept it. So, how do you actually forgive? What actually should I do or think or feel to forgive someone? Can someone give me the steps?
My husband did not know the answer. Yesterday he just said, "Pray."
I got even more frustrated. But I did pray.
And this morning at my work place's morning devotion, guess what the topic was? Forgiveness. So I listened closely, hoping to find the how-to of forgiveness. Perhaps I've found it.
Instead of focusing on what the person has done, forgiveness is focusing on my own attitude. Forgiving means releasing the chains of judgment. Let it go. Judgment belongs to God.
Instead of merely saying, "I forgive you," I should say, "God, I want to forgive. Holy Spirit, I want to forgive." Forgiveness doesn't happen automatically nor instantly. It is a process. And saying to God that we want to forgive is the first step. God will help heal us.
John 10:10 (NIV) said "The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." The CEV used the term "have it in its fullest." The Indonesian version said "hidup yang berkelimpahan," but I find the term fullest/to the full very powerful. Who wouldn't like to live a life in its maximum capacity? I know I do.
I. Am. So. Relieved. I believe there is a hope that I will not hold this grudge for the rest of my life. I will be able to let go.
***
And for those of you who are like me, struggling to forgive, Focus on the Family said the first step to understanding forgiveness is learning what it is and isn't. I find this list very helpful to keep our forgiveness healthy. Sometimes we just focus on forgiving and let ourselves become doormat for other people to continue abusing us. So, here you go.
1. Forgiveness is not letting the offender off the hook. We can and should still hold others accountable for their actions or lack of actions.
2. Forgiveness is returning to God the right to take care of justice. By refusing to transfer the right to exact punishment or revenge, we are telling God we don't trust him to take care of matters.
3. Forgiveness is not letting the offense recur again and again. We don't have to tolerate, nor should we keep ourselves open to, lack of respect or any form of abuse.
4. Forgiveness does not mean we have to revert to being the victim. Forgiving is not saying, "What you did was okay, so go ahead and walk all over me." Nor is it playing the martyr, enjoying the performance of forgiving people because it perpetuates our victim role.
5. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciling. We can forgive someone even if we never can get along with him again.
6. Forgiveness is a process, not an event. It might take some time to work through our emotional problems before we can truly forgive. As soon as we can, we should decide to forgive, but it probably is not going to happen right after a tragic divorce. That's okay.
7. We have to forgive every time. If we find ourselves constantly forgiving, though, we might need to take a look at the dance we are doing with the other person that sets us up to be continually hurt, attacked, or abused.
8. Forgetting does not mean denying reality or ignoring repeated offenses. Some people are obnoxious, mean-spirited, apathetic, or unreliable. They never will change. We need to change the way we respond to them and quit expecting them to be different.
9. Forgiveness is not based on others' actions but on our attitude. People will continue to hurt us through life. We either can look outward at them or stay stuck and angry, or we can begin to keep our minds on our loving relationship with God, knowing and trusting in what is good.
10. If they don't repent, we still have to forgive. Even if they never ask, we need to forgive. We should memorize and repeat over and over: Forgiveness is about our attitude, not their action.
11. We don't always have to tell them we have forgiven them. Self-righteously announcing our gracious forgiveness to someone who has not asked to be forgiven may be a manipulation to make them feel guilty. It also is a form of pride.
12. Withholding forgiveness is a refusal to let go of perceived power. We can feel powerful when the offender is in need of forgiveness and only we can give it. We may fear going back to being powerless if we forgive.
13. We might be pressured into false forgiveness before we are ready. When we feel obligated or we forgive just so others will still like us, accept us, or not think badly of us, it's not true forgiveness — it's a performance to avoid rejection. Give yourself permission to do it right. Maybe all you can offer today is, "I want to forgive you, but right now I'm struggling emotionally. I promise I will work on it."
14. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It's normal for memories to be triggered in the future. When thoughts of past hurts occur, it's what we do with them that counts. When we find ourselves focusing on a past offense, we can learn to say, "Thank you, God, for this reminder of how important forgiveness is."
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